Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
