i think i have two assholes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
