Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
