OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
