Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
