explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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