And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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