she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No more Irish car bombs ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
