I think I won the penis lottery.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
