I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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