Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
