Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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