She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
