if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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