Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
