I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
