I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
