I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
