I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
