I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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