when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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