This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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