totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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