it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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