wrigley field is MILF paradise
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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