Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
