I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
