mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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