no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
