just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
