Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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