ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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