she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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