bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
