He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
