The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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