you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
