Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
