FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
