I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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