If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
