I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
