my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
