I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
