she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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