Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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