does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
