She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
