Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
