I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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