Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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